OCTOBER CRITICAL MASS WILL BE GRAND FINALE FOR CHICAGO LIVING

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Last Mass My Ass! Committee
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On Friday evening, the ride passed into the final stages of dementia, becoming unable to care for itself, slowly making its way to Rosehill Cemetery. There, it died, trading in its bike for a wheelchair. Or so the story goes …

The people who live around Rosehill tell a different story. There have been whispers of something sinister in the air — children wake up crying, the elderly cannot poop without assistance and SUVs are getting executives to work late. Evil lurks in the shadows. The restless spirit of the Mass lumbers behind the cemetery gates. Goth kids dare not to walk those hallowed grounds any longer, for the chilling sound of demonic derailers shifting with the blood of orphans fills the air.

Many say Critical Mass died that evening, but many more say its spirit will ride our streets once again. They say that this time, the Mass will be stronger than ever, unkillable, unstoppable, more immoral and unruly — this time, it will be an UNDEAD RAMPAGE, terrorizing the city with its insatiable hunger for brains and atypical zombie stench (similar to anarchist youth but a little fresher).

Rumors have been circulating that the city might move to save the population by asking the Vicar of Christ himself, Pope Benedict XVI, to come and perform an exorcism. The exorcism will be organized by the Office of Special Events and sponsored by such esteemed Chicago institutions as Chase and Old Style beer. Even with such magnanimous assistance, the pope has made a statement issuing his doubts: “The Sanctifying power of Chase Bank’s Triple Rewards Card™ and the use of Old Style beer as holy water are indeed powerful weapons of God. But the Mass is too great — we will not be strong enough to stop it. I fear all hope for Chicago is lost.”

In the late 19th century, the Chicago Police facilitated other undead rampages.

“We are planning to use those old tactics yet again,” said an anonymous spokesman for Police District 1 (Central). “The most effective method was to set Chicago on fire, but with the Olympics coming, that just isn't a viable solution. The most popular idea would be to use the mayor as a virgin sacrifice. Either way, the last thing we want is for this Undead Mass to vote again.”

Mayor Daley has not ruled out the possibility of joining the Oct. 26 ride as a virgin sacrifice.

Dark priests of VouDon have made a prediction that Beazulbub will join the ride as the honorary Mass Marshal of Doom © and will be making an announcement, officially declaring the war between Critical Mass and the righteous.

In response, the Chicago Police have issued a statement that on Oct. 26, all living humans should wear protective headgear to shield their delicious brains.

For more information on the Chicago Critical Mass ride, contact CHI-CRIT-MASS@UIC.EDU.

- Last Mass My Ass! Committee | 09/30/2007